Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
