The maid of honor just puked.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
