when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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