i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
