I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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