there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
