I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Text me some of your sweat
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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