i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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