I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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