there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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