my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
