hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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