She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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