She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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