I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
