I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
