Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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