So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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