that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
