I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
