I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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