It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
