I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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