508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
