Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
