Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
