I want you more than these girls want KFC
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
