Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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