Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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