Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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