Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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