I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm always down for nudity.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
