Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
