He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
