Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
