If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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