gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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