I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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