i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
