Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
