yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
