Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
