she was so not down for the gang bang
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Are we still banned from the library?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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