Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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