I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
