This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
