i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
