dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
