I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
