I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
