Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
